MHS Remembrance Day 2020: A Loved Ones Perspective.

Ruthanne is a woman in her 80’s from Hamilton, ON. In today’s interview she shares her experience of what it was like living with two men very close to her that suffered from the unfortunate negative impacts of war, as well as the impact it had during her younger years and still till this day.

Often times it is not just the men themselves that fall victims to their struggles and problems. Sometimes their problems extend to those close to them and seriously impacts their loved ones. We hope you read this interview and take a closer look at how the children of the men are often the ones who end up being the victims as well.

Interview:

1. Why is Remembrance Day of significance to you?

A: “Well, I appreciate the military people that gave their lives for this wonderful country. Both my grandfather, my father… my uncles, they all served and they were all proud of what they had accomplished.”

2. Looking back at the time before the War, how was life at home and your relationship with your Grandfather and Father?

A: “My grandparents, parents, sisters and I all lived together in one house and uh- it was difficult. My grandfather was a difficult man. Having served in the first and second world war, he was wounded, he was a war hero, he won medals, but uh- he didn’t talk much. And he got angry easily, and so it was sort of walking on eggshells and I was just a little kid… So I didn’t understand and I wasn’t critical, that's all I knew, it was hard.”

3. What do you think was going through their heads the moment they found out they were going to get deployed at that point?

A: “I don’t think they gave it much thought. My father lied about his age. He signed up when he was 16. He fought in war as a teenager and he talked even less than my grandfather! Can you imagine you guys… you are talking about your age group. Younger. Going to war. Now, because he was so young, um- they trained him as a paramedic. Which let’s be honest, was a HORRIBLE job. You are there to help wounded people. You’re hauling dead bodies off of the battlefield at the age of, 16… 17… 18… *shuckle* it’s just I can’t imagine that and when I hear looking back at my age, I can understand why he behaved the way he did or didn't behave.

4. Was there any significant changes in their persona that directly stuck out to you?

A: “Well… My father, he never… I have three sisters, he never once told us he was proud of us and we all accomplished: highschool, university, which at that time was a big deal… and we *sigh* we never got that from him. Closed off. And very quiet. And that was you know… at the time they didn’t call it PTSD, then it was shell shock and both my grandfather and father had that.”

5. I know you mentioned it was difficult to communicate with them, but was there ever a time where you would reach out to him asking him about his experience then and/or how he was feeling?

A: “NO! No, that was- you didn’t do that! *shuckle* the door slammed shut. If anything was mentioned about the war- And I was the oldest sister and apparently I’d argue with him a lot *laughter* according to my sisters… We were taught in school history about the wars and um- come home and say “Dad where were you? What did you do?”. No. You got the silent treatment or he’d leave and go out for a beer with his buddies, he wasn’t going to talk about it.”

6. So was that sort of the defined mood in your household at the time?

A: “Yes! He- *shuckles* He was a big part of the family, he was the head guy, the one that is supposed to be incharge of “everything”. That was what men were supposed to do and be. Um- my mom was a very quiet, soft spoken, house wife, she did her job, she looked after us mostly and dad went to work um- yeah… but it was all we knew, so we didn’t know that we were being sort of suppressed and ignored at times.”

7. Did you guys ever manage to connect on any sort of an emotional level?

A: “Well even now I’m disconnected… As I said he never said he was proud of me. I was the first in my family to ever graduate from highschool… and there was no *laughter* he just wasn’t there. He was shut down and um- so were many other people that came back from the war.And so you ask how was it then and well it still has an effect on me till this day, it is something that is painful to think, maybe he was proud but he couldn’t articulate it.”

8. And so was his behaviour at that time, was it something that was it sort of orthodoxal to you or hard to understand?

A: “Yeah of course, as a kid you don’t really analyze your parents you just see them as they are… and so I didn’t really know it could be or should be different, that’s just the way it was. I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t denied things, it was the warm fuzzies that weren’t there and uh- yeah. And I made sure that I didn’t raise my kids that way.”

9. During that time was there any services offered to help veteran and soldiers deal with any trauma experience? And if so how difficult or challenging was it to get them to seek the help needed? Were they open and accepting about their problems?

A: “Not that I am aware of and I doubt that was there. Because um- the soldiers that were affected would be in denial. It’s not like there was anything wrong with them. That’s just the way men were. In their mind’s that was the generation. You didn’t complain or you were weak and uh- weakness wasn’t really a macho type of thing.

10. What advice would you give to those who are loved ones of soldiers and veterans going into or returning from war?

A: “I don’t know how you change history *laughter* because it is a re-write and I am not being offensive but of the male psyche *laughter* you know that! That’s why you are working on this stuff! Um- I don’t know if I have a window into that… There is a lot more service available but I don’t think that there are anywhere NEAR ENOUGH and I don’t think there are enough men that would ask for such services. I mean all I know for sure is that I might have been a stronger person for my dad. I might of been giving the hugs whether he wanted them or not *shuckles* But I don’t know that um- anything that would really have made a big difference at the time, I mean when I think of things that have traumatized me… I still wake up and have nightmares and I have lots of loving family and so I don’t think you can erase it but you can maybe find a way to control it that helps you deal with those traumas.”

11. Is there anything else you would like to share with us or for those people reading the interview?

A: “I guess I would like to end the interview by sharing a quote that I believe is very important that every man out there hears… “No man is an island”... meaning that no one is truly self-sufficient, everyone must rely on the company and comfort of others in order to thrive.”